Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I cockslap morals
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
