Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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