can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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