I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
