its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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