your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize