i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
