Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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