She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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