I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
