Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Someone signed my nipple.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
