and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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