I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
