Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
