Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
