Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
