My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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