I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
