Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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