So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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