Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
