everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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