when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
