I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
