fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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