He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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