no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
