It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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