I think I just saw someone hide a body.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
