he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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