There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
