Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
