I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
