Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
