you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
