is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
