Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
