just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
