toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
