The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
It's never too late to be topless.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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