So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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