you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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