if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
