Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
