is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
