The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
