There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You took a bar mat shot.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
