You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
