help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize