Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
