What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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