my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
