Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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