Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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