Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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