just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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