Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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