yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
