I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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