So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
