im drinking this country out of the recession.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
