you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
