i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
