I can text with my tongue
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
