I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
